Dear Quanticdream and everyone writing reviews for Heavy Rain,

I loved Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit. I was very excited for Heavy Rain. I am more than happy to play an interactive movie/story instead of playing a more traditional videogame, and love that you're trying something new.

However, if you are going to make me play what is essentially an interactive movie, then you have to have two things: good acting, and good writing. You have neither of these things, and this game is so far excruciating to try and play. The story could be the greatest thing since the Odyssey, but if you can't make me feel emotion for the characters because they're all community theater rejects from france, that's a problem.

This game is terrible. The one selling point to this game is supposed to be its ability to tell a story. I feel like I'm watching "The Room," only everyone is telling me it's this artistic masterpiece that will blow me away with how engrossing it is.

Well I'm not engrossed. I'm just bored. I'm watching a really bad movie with truly horrible acting and some really stupid dialogue, not to mention possibly the dumbest father and stupidest kid I have ever seen in a story ever.

This is atrocious. I'm just glad I rented it, because if I'd spent 60 bucks on it, I would have to force myself to finish it out of some sense of wanting to get my money's worth, and I really think that could drive me to boredom induced suicide.

In short: I don't mind if you want to make your videogame an interactive movie. Just make sure you don't spend so much time rendering face animations that you forget to actually write decent dialogue or hire professional actors. No matter how good your plot is, if you present it to me with Tommy Wiseau style emoting and dialogue that would fit very nicely in any episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, that's a bad thing.

And internet, please. Wake up. This game is awful. Stop gushing over it. I know you thought this was going to be the new artsy intellectual game that proves videogames can be intelligent and deep, but you were wrong. This isn't even pretentious. It's just bad.

(Also: Quick Time Events with motion control? That's the worst idea in videogames since the Virtual Boy.)

If you want a game that actually tells a good story and has acting and writing that is impressive and intelligent (no to mention being, oh, I dunno, fun and containing enjoyable gameplay), play Uncharted 2. If you want to watch people say confusing things like "How would you feel if you found your kid in a deserted wasteland!?" in vague french accents while you waggle your controller at the screen, play Heavy Rain.

Love,
A somewhat less cranky than usual M. McGregor.

(Can you tell I'm really disappointed in this game? I think it's because I like to think of myself as a storyteller, and this game has failed at some of the basic tenets of storytelling. And despite that failure, people are gushing over it like it's the greatest thing ever. It reminds me of awful Mary Sue bashfics that people fall all over themselves to praise. I just don't get it, and it kind of bothers me.)