| Your mission, should you choose to accept it. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|04:50 pm] |
Okay everyone, we're about to take off for the Thanksgiving break, so I'm handing out your assignments now. If you will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week, then I urge you all to do at least one of the following at Thanksgiving dinner:
1. Use the word "dirigible" in conversation with family or friends no less than four times.
2. Claim that the tryptophan in turkey is not part of their natural makeup, and that Benjamin Franklin bred in this trait in order to satisfy both his irrational love of turkeys and his powerful desire to go to bed early.
3. Pretend to drink as you really just put the glass to your lips and fake it, then look around slyly as no one suspects you've got them all fooled. If you get into an argument or heated discussion, accuse your opponent of being so clueless they couldn't even tell you were fake drinking.
4. Repeatedly mention how you are really looking forward to eating some Durkey. If turkey is not actually being served, express your disappointment at not being able to have Durkey for tinner. If anyone expresses their confusion over your pronunciation, reply, "Ton't make fun. I bid my dongue."
5. Sign your name to a piece of paper, then ask one other person to sign your "pe-two-tion". If they ask what it's for, reply, "It's for signing, you judgmental ass!" Then throw the paper on the ground and leave the room in a huff. Later, apologize for your outburst and say, "I just feel so strongly about the cause, that's all."
6. Gesture wildly with your left arm whenever you talk, but keep your right arm perfectly still.
7. For the entirety of the actual meal, hold your blinks for a half second longer than normal every time.
8. Try to touch your nose as often as possible and see how long it is before someone notices. When they do, quickly lower your hands and smile nervously.
9. Casually mention that you own a laser to at least two people.
10. Declare that you are thankful for all the Renaissance painters except Raphael. If anyone asks why not Raphael, reply that "He is cool, but historians agree he was either rude or crude, and possibly both."
Report back to me by Saturday and let me know which of these things you did, and the undoubtedly positive consequences that came about as a result. Depending on which assignment you completed, I may or may not award you with a prize that doesn't exist.
If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you can still attempt most of these at work or school, and you might even get some turkey out of the deal. |
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| Sometimes, I actually love things. |
[Nov. 22nd, 2009|04:44 am] |
I'm re-reading Joss Whedon and John Cassaday's Astonishing X-men from start to finish. As much as I love Grant Morrison, as as much credit as I give to Stan Lee and even Chris Claremont, Whedon's Astonishing X-Men is without doubt the single greatest X-men run of all time.
Joss Whedon put on a clinic for every other X-men author ever, and every subsequent author has either failed MMiserably (the extra M is for Matt Fraction, who needs to be banned from all X-men stories) or just can't live up to what he did (Warren Ellis.)
That's especially true in his portrayal of Cyclops. I've been seriously disappointed with the Marvel Universe's portrayal of him after Whedon's run concluded. It's like they saw how awesome Joss Whedon showed us all he could be, then decided to take all the wrong lessons and exaggerate all the wrong character traits. I'm getting to the point where I really hope someone comes in and Geoff Johns' all of Cyclops' actions since Whedon left and claims that some evil yellow bug was mind controlling him. It's the only explanation for how bad he's sucked since Whedon left.
So I guess what I'm saying is this: Now that Dollhouse is off the air, Marvel needs to hire Joss Whedon to make a live action X-Men show.
And for god's sake, don't put it on Fox. |
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| Something you will never unsee |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|07:15 am] |
Okay, so I'm recovering from what I'm pretty sure is the Hanta Virus this morning, and this doesn't particularly help:
see more Celeb Look-A-Likes
Although it does give me some weird fic ideas.
(As if all my fic ideas weren't weird.)
You know, I think a part of me always noticed the similarity. After all, whenever Richard Dawkins gives a talk, he always RAISES his EYEBROWS to EMPHASIZE every OTHER word JUST like EMMA watson DOES.
(That's not actually true. I just wanted to point out that Emma Watson is in the act-via-eyebrows club, along with Joseph Fiennes)
PS: It's almost certainly photoshopped, but still, the fact that it works so well is what matters.
(As if there are images on the internet that are NOT photoshopped?)
Hey how many sentences can I interpose with parentheteticionaticalishnicous asides in a row?
(At least four, it seems.)
Sweet. |
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| Flashforward episode 01 - Reviewed with great snark. |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|12:38 am] |
I used to watch Star Trek: Voyager. I did this not because it was a good show, but because it was a remarkably terrible show in a way that doesn't come around very often. Sure, there have been a lot of bad shows out there. Some of them have even been worse than Star Trek: Voyager. They just haven't been bad in quite the same way, and it wasn't until I bit the bullet and tried out Flashforward (mostly due to a few people assuring me it was one of the most hilariously terrible shows currently airing.)
Because there is a difference between bad and hilariously bad. Jeph Loeb is bad. Brannon Braga? He's hilarious bad.
The reason I bring up Voyager is that I used to write, under a different name and in a different psuedo-life, long and very snarky reviews of each episode. Seeing as how I've been agonizing over a new story idea for months now but haven't actually gotten past the HOLY-SHIT-I-HAVE-TOO-MANY-NOTES stage, I figure this might be a good way for me to get at least something resembling real writing done.
So let's get to it. Flashforward. Brannon Braga's latest epic of stupidity. Warning: you know how I'm all wordy when I write stories? Yeah, I'm wordy here too*. I hope you like long reviews filled with lots of sarcasm and bitterness.
( Flashforward Episode 01: No More Good Days - Recapped and Reviewed With Great Snark ) |
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| M. McGregor, the living legend (so dreamy!), at your service. |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|06:09 pm] |
I feel that I have no been taken advantage of lately. Let's face it: I'm a witty guy. You know it, I know it, I know it, and especially I know it. I take great joy in being clever, irreverent, and/or hilariously cranky.
The only problem is thus: my cleverness is confined to too small a space! It is bursting to be released; to be spread over the surface of the world like a biblical flood of confusing references and awful puns. I have too much clever for any one man, even if that one man is me.
So please, friends (and enemies who like to keep an eye on me), use me. Take advantage of my wit. Need a snappy retort for an internet argument you're having? Enlist my aid! Need to know how to chat up that girl you're stalking? Come to ol' Mac for the right moves to get you out of the stalking and into the talking. Wonder how you can tell your boss you hate them while also kissing his or her ass? I've got the mojo you is lookin' fo'-jo!
Just ask!
Advice, jokes, insults, abstract descriptions of space-time in relation to the soul, or even a fake compliment to make you feel better, I am here to help. Ask and ye shall receive*!
*Disclaimer: No asking for fic, poetry, song lyrics, or visual art of any kind. Rhymes are acceptable in small doses. Offer void when doing so will promote my own sinister agenda.
Any and all services provided by M. McGregor are for entertainment purposes only and should not be construed as A) genuine sexual attraction to you or subjects you designate B) genuine friendship or affection of any kind towards you or subjects you designate, C) genuine exhibition of morals, ethics, or basic humanity, D) a referendum on the current administration, E) factual information, F) a response in any way relevant to your request G) entertaining, or T) pertaining to any sense of understanding in regards to the order of letters in the English alphabet.
Complaints should be addressed to:
ATTN: Santa Claus
RE: You Suck, Old Man
C/O: News Corporation
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
End User License Agreement: The end user, hereby referred to as THE SUCKER, shall hereby be referred to as THE DOLT. THE DOLT, hereby referred to as WHATTAMAROON, shall hereby be referred to as PEGGY.
PEGGY agrees that his or her fifth-born male son, if born with eyes flecked with silver and a peculiar birthmark shaped like a pelican on the outer right thigh, shall be taught how to play the piano, how to ride a horse, and shall also be made to relinquish their untainted soul to power the unholy armies of M. MCGREGOR, hereby referred to as THE DARK ONE. PEGGY, hereby referred to as THE CHAMP, shall hereby be referred to as CORDIAL DEMEANOR. THE DARK ONE, hereby referred to as PEGGY, shall hereby be referred to as THE CHAMP PART TWO: CHAMP HARDER. CORDIAL DEMEANOR, hereby referred to as THE CHAMP PART THREE: THE CHAMPENING, shall hereby be referred to as THE DARK ONE. THE CHAMP PART TWO: CHAMP HARDER, hereby referred to as THE PIPS, shall be granted dominion over all the races of man for a trial period of ninety (90) days, after which THE DARK ONE, hereby referred to as FRED SAVAGE, shall restore all rights and privileges to each individual on earth, hereby referred to as EVERYBODY, YO.
EVERYBODY, YO, hereby referred to as THE CHAMP, shall grant FRED SAVAGE, hereby referred to as ROVER, the opportunity to marry THE PIPS, hereby referred to as THE CHAMP PART FOUR: LEPRECHAUN VS. JASON IN SPACE. THE CHAMP PART FOUR: LEPRECHAUN VS. JASON IN SPACE, hereby referred to as DOCTOR FASTIDIOUSNESS, shall be given four (4) days in which to find and kill the CHUPACABRA, hereby referred to as THE CHAMP PART FIVE: ELECTRIC CHAMPALOO. At the end of this period, if DOCTOR FASTIDIOUSNESS, hereby referred to as HEREBY REFERRED TO is unsuccesful, then all of his goats are transferred to ROVER, hereby referred to as HERBIE REEFERED TOO.
If, however, HEREBY REFERRED TO, hereby referred to as THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE CHAMP PART TWO, should succeed in finding and killing THE CHAMP PART FIVE: ELECTRIC CHAMPALOO, hereby referred to as CHAMP: THE BOOK: THE MOVIE, then he is granted all the rights and privileges of ZEUS, GOD OF THUNDER, hereby referred to as BENJI THE DOG.
Freshness date: The amusement park. That place is a totally fresh place for a date, dawg.
CAUTION: This product contains peanuts. |
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| Why am I bothering, seriously? |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|07:16 pm] |
I know this is a waste of time and I should have given up on this show two years ago, but I can't help myself.
Dear Writing Staff of Heroes,
Are you somehow under the impression that "three years ago" is actually "fifty years ago"? That is the only explanation for having a kid show up dressed like he's Howdy Doody, complete with plastic toy revolvers and cowboy hat. I honestly cannot think of a more cliched and stupid stock child character.
Congratulations on continuing to make incredibly moronic decisions for apparently no reason other than pure laziness.
Love,
M. Mcgre...eh, what's the use? |
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| A wicked wandering once walked! |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|03:14 pm] |
In a wood, cold and full of dread
I wandered, bold and bullish’d head
To find the sisters three of which were witches.
Winding gnarled amidst the black
My journey twisted off the track
As the thumping of my heart itch and twitches.
But hearken unto me, my friend
Through the dark I did see the end
And so I passed into their hateful curs-ed space.
“What ho!” I cried in shaking tone
“What’s this?” replied a quaking crone.
“A man clasp’d unto fate’s cruel and mocking japes?”
“Sisters please, I must have your aid
“My job is lost; my bills unpaid
“Blackest magic must I have just to survive!”
The oldest of the sisters three
Turned gray and cloudy eyes to me,
“Quackest sad thick just to laugh must you now tithe!”
I stared at her; the others too
Too scared to now know what to do
Could the dread three be mad as well as wick-ed?
I tried again: “Your help I beg!”
“Please cast a spell to save this dreg,
“Lest it be said this man’s been hellish trick-ed!”
“Oh Sane are we,” the youngest creak’d.
“And know we of the man you speak’d.
“He is an enemy of all we witch-es.”
“And so shall we speak jibb’rishly
“One who seeks us from such as he”
“We listen to a many frog see rich-es!”
“I plead, dread sisters, tweak me not,
“With these dead twisted words of rot
“Or shall I show to you my bound-less power?”
“Do your worst, no fear have we
“Think you first to speak threatingly?
“This gall we’ve known in many count-less hours!”
“Then taste my might, sisters of lie!
“Tis great and right, that you should die!
“To this guy, living legend, M. McGregor!”
I loosed a curse, dark heavy and
They soon turned into lez-bians
Tis all my writing’s urgented endeavor.
For though I’ve authored much in life
You know I’m known for wife on wife
It has thus become my great queer’d magic hope
Don’t pity me nor sisters three
The sisters part was falsity
This was just to welcome Shakespeare’s tragic trope.
The three then left for gaity
I’d freed them from cliche-ity
But from fate: was none to save, trick-or-free me
I was left as is always true:
Alone, bereft, with balls of blue
It’s now too late, brave McGregor (so dreamy!)
Happy New Year, everyone! |
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| Query! |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|12:03 pm] |
Anyone out there watching Flash Forward, and if so, can you tell me if I should risk watching it? I'm pretty desperate for a good sci-fi show these days. Heroes is less painfully awful now that Jeph Loeb is out of the picture (I don't know if you know this, but I've a bit of a distaste for that fellow), but it's still not great, Fringe was just kind of silly and stupidly gruesome when I tried to watch a few episodes of it, Warehouse 13 was okay (and just as silly if not sillier than Fringe, but at least it knew it), I caught back up on Lost a few months ago and found I quite enjoyed it but there won't be new episodes for a while, and if you say Stargate Universe I will punch you in the mind (although I do admit from what I've seen it's the best Stargate so far, but that's not saying much).
Also, while I know it's not technically sci-fi, I tried to watch The Big Bang Theory. I am astonished by how terrible that show is. I'm sure someone who is a fan of it will tell me it gets better in later seasons (I always try to watch a show from the first episode onward), and I will reply to you: OF COURSE IT IS. It could not get worse than that first season. Painfully, painfully unfunny, more than a little racist, more than a little sexist, and just plain old horrible TGIF style sitcom terribleness.
I mean really: a laugh track? This is 2009. I can't watch a show with a laugh track anymore.
I've digressed. My point is that while I am lacking in sci-fi shows to watch, I have heard of this Flash Forward show, although I know very little about it except for what I let myself read of its wikipedia page. Unfortunately every time I go to that page, there is one pertinent fact that makes me think I need to avoid that show like it was Jeph Loeb Twilight Fanfiction:
Brannon Braga is the creator.
For those of you who don't know: before Jeph Loeb was stinking up everything he touched and ruining amazing things that other people made awesome, Brannon Braga was showing him how it was done. Brannon Braga is behind the destructively awful Star Trek: Voyager (Believe me, I can get into this if you want) and Enterprise (later, Star Trek: Enterprise). He did more than any other person in history to attempt to murder-death-kill the Star Trek franchise. If there was any creator I loathe more than Jeph Loeb, it is Brannon Braga (and his satanic twin: Rick Berman.)
So please, you must tell me: can I watch Flash Forward and forget that he has anything to do with that show? Could he possibly be Brannon-Braga-with-Ronald-Moore Brannon Braga? The good version of Brannon Braga, before he went to the darkside? Could it be the Brannon Braga who wrote Cause and Effect instead of the Brannon Braga who wrote Threshold?
Tell me, because even though I will watch almost anything if it's even remotely sci-fi (the aforementioned Stargate series being the prime example of my insanity), I don't know if I can bring myself to watch another Brannon Braga show.
Help me, my nerdly friends. Help me. |
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| The gospel according to M. McGregor (Or: Jeph Loeb ruins my day again) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|08:58 am] |
So I'm playing Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 because I am of course a giant comic nerd. I stopped playing it for a while but I decided to pick it up again, and I finally unlocked the Hulk, which was pretty much the whole reason I wanted the game in the first place.
Overjoyed by having a legitimate reason to scream "HULK SMASH!" at the top of my lungs, I went to merrily smacking around legions of redshirted minions. After defeating fifty of said minions, I am awarded with a prize: Hulk's alternate costume!
"Excelsior!," I thought to myself, for that is the comic-nerdiest of all exclamations. "Not only will I be able to play as the Hulk, but I will most assuredly get to play as my favorite version of the Hulk ever, and the Hulk that is widely regarded as being the star of the best Hulk storyline of all time. I will get to play as The Green Scar Hulk from Planet Hulk!"
I tell you, my nerd glee had reached a level I can only describe as being the exact opposite of the rage we all feel at Greedo shooting first. I pumped my fist into the air whilest simultaneously opening the menu screen with my other hand. Beads of sweat rolled off my forehead as I began to shake in anticipation of the awesome that I would soon be witnessing.
Then, with my heart pounding and my eyes widening so as to absorb as much of the soon-to-be-projected-image of Hulk in his Planet Hulk armor, I selected the Hulk and pressed the L2 button: Swap Costume.
The image of Captain America's shield logo came onto the screen as the game accessed the information. Surely there was no more appropriate seal of approval for what I was about to witness. Only Superman's S was more worthy of acting as the intermediary between the already Incredible Hulk and the even more tremendously glorious Green Scar. I leaned forward. Any moment now, the only possible costume any competent developer would ever give Hulk as an unlockable would be mine to behold.
Oh how those seconds dragged! I assure you, true believer, that in those moments my heart beat no less than a thousand times and my life flashed before my eyes so many times that I began to quote large portions of the lecture I got for running across the street without holding my mom's hand when I was four. Outside my window, a flash of light was followed almost immediately thereafter by a crack of thunder. The heavens themselves were trembling at the magnificence of what I was about to witness!
The game froze. So did my heart. For one terrifying moment I was sure the game had been destroyed, fully incapable of rendering the sheer transcendent majesty I had been promised. Six different blood vessels popped in my brain, but somehow I survived.
I now wish I hadn't.
For in the next instant, the game unfroze, and I gazed upon the true face of horror.
Jeph Loeb's Red Hulk stared back at me.
I screamed the name of every god and devil I knew as I flung myself away from the ghastly image. I shut my eyes and begged it to be untrue, for reality to be a lie, for these terrible nightmare to end!
And I realized that it had. This could not be reality. This was beyond hell. This was Red Hulk.
I did the only sensible thing and quickly gouged out my eyes. With no tools close enough to assist in the job, my own fingers would have to suffice. The contaminated jelly seemed eager to go, for I had little trouble at all in scooping them out and stomping them on the floor.
Alas, even the perpetual darkness of blindness offered me no sanctuary from Jeph Loeb's creation of mediocrity and stupidity. The sight was burned onto the surface of my brain. Once seen, it could not be unseen.
I wept tears and blood from empty sockets. I beseeched the heavens to deliver me from this torment, but I was given no answer: save for the terrible grinning after-image of Red Hulk.
So I warn you, my nerdly friends, save yourselves! My sanity and my soul are surely lost to this debacle, but you can be saved! Do not gaze upon the Red Hulk! It is not enough to avoid reading Jeph Loeb's cliche-riddled garbage! It is not enough to deny him any payment for a comic that must surely be written on a parchment of human flesh with ink made of his own excrement. It is not enough to read the Incredible Hulk by Greg Pak and pretend that Jeph Loeb's Hulk does not exist.
No! You must be ever vigilant! The Red Hulk is always there: ever watchful with his worse-than-comics-in-the-90s style and his Marty-Stu villainy. You must be prepared for Jeph Loeb and his soulless minions to foist this foul fiction on us at any time.
Do not dismiss my warnings as the rantings of a blind fool. Every word I've written here is the truth! Do not repeat the arrogance that led to my own downfall. It's too late for me, but you may yet be saved from this terrible fate.
As another great man with at least one missing eye once said, albeit often through an impostor: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!
(PS: It's a good thing I learned how to touch-type all those years ago, or writing this without eyeballs would be very difficult.) |
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| More Roman Polanski hatred |
[Oct. 26th, 2009|10:43 pm] |
List of celebrities who support Roman Polanski
I'm sure these celebrities won't mind if we download their movies, books, or television shows from now on. I mean it's not like it's piracy-piracy. If Roman Polanski can rape a 13-year-old girl and get away with it, then surely it's cool if I download Lord of the Rings, right?
What's that? "Pirating" movies is the single worst thing a human being can do? Gotcha, Hollywood. You keep on spending millions of dollars lobbying against file sharing while simultaneously begging the government to intervene on behalf of a child rapist.
Or in other words: fuck all y'all. |
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| Choose your Immortality! |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|02:17 pm] |
CHOOSE YOUR IMMORTALITY
Who wants to live forever? According to a poll conducted by my imagination, darn near everyone. The only roadblock is this: what kind of immortality do you choose? Well I'm here to help you as I now present several forms of immortality, as well as the pros and cons that go along with them. Read, think, and then let me know which one you choose. I'll make sure to have your immortality in the mail no later than six weeks from the time I'm capable of mailing concepts like immortality.
#1. Not All It's Cracked Up to Be Immortality: You will live forever and you will not age. FOREVER. You are flat out incapable of dying no matter what. Atomized? You come back to life. Beheaded? You come back to life. Drowned? Asphyxiated? Burned? Boiled? Doesn't matter. You cannot die. You will live until the end of the universe, and when that's over? Who knows. Maybe you float around in neverending nothingness, or maybe you get to be the creator of some new universe.
Pros: No achilles heel to worry about. You cannot be killed. You heal instantly. You might even be invulnerable.
Con: Boredom. If you get trapped somewhere, you're there for a long, LONG time. The human race will almost assuredly evolve past you within just a few thousand years, making you very lonely unless you can get some kind of robot companion or something. Plan on being very cold for the last few million years after every sun winks out.
#2. Highlander Immortality: You know the drill. There can be only one. You're immortal unless you get beheaded, but if you're trapped underwater or left with a sword in your brain you'll either be wake up and die over and over or you'll just be dead until someone yanks the sword out.
Speaking of swords, get used to using one, because you'll have to fight to survive. For some reason you can't just pack an uzi, shoot your opponent, then chop his head off while he's recovering, so instead you'll have to get real good with a sword real fast.
Pros: Sexy adventures and a tendency to meet famous people from history. Vague mystical powers. Potential to win "The Prize" which, depending on your canon, is either some form of telepathy and mortality, the chance to make a star baby with your retconned girlfriend, or an unknown power that everyone wants. The more immortals you behead, the stronger you will get, but this is also vague and hardly ever seems to mean anything. Also: you can hide your sword seemingly anywhere, so you could always get a job smuggling antique swords across borders if you were really strapped for cash.
Cons: You won't know your immortal until you die once, and then you're stuck at that age. The death must also be violent. So you have to be ballsy enough to let yourself get shot or stabbed or something in order to find out if you're an immortal. Are you willing to take that risk? Also: You're probably going to get beheaded, but you might get a few centuries of living in first. Lastly: can't have kids.
#3. Clone Immortality: Technology. It's always great, right? Never backfired once in all the history of humanity, right? So how about this: when you're going to die you just upload your memories and personality into a computer, print out a fresh new body, and then download those memories and personality back into the new body. Presto-chango, you're going to live forever!
Pros: You can decide to opt out if you ever want to just die. As technology gets better and the ability to alter the genetic code is better understood, you could probably add new features to your clone body. Eventually you might be able to create a body that regenerates perfectly with no cellular degeneration, making you truly immortal except in the case of injury or disease.
Cons: Giving people the ability to alter their bodies means a substantial portion of the human population would eventually be women with 32ZZ breasts or guys with 20 inch penises. Also: it's not REALLY you who will be immortal, it's just a copy of you. The actual you is now dead, but that becomes a Theseus Paradox, so you get to spend the next few millenia in a constant philosophical depression as you wonder whether or not you are really you. Lastly: you are beholden to the technology that clones you (until such time as your body is simply made to regenerate perfectly), which means you may be forced to do the bidding of whoever controls that technology.
#4 Vampirism Immortality: You're a vampire. Someone sucked you, you sucked them, now you want to just keep on sucking forever and ever.
Pros: Super strength, super senses, and an inexplicable ability to make teenaged girls squeal in your presence. You might be able to turn into mist, a bat, a wolf, or any number of other things. You might also have the power to mesmerize others, especially the aforementioned teenaged girls.
Cons: You might sparkle. Also: sunlight will almost certainly kill you, crosses and garlic will repel and hurt you, you might not be able to enter someone's house without permission, you will have to drink blood regularly in order to remain healthy, your skin is pale and clammy, holy water and other blessed objects burn you, and you'll be forced to make googly eyes at teenaged girls while being either A) sweaty, dirty, pale, and gross or B) far too invested in your own hair (all without ever being able to look into a mirror. Also, whatever physical age you were when you were bitten is how old you're going to be forever, so if you're a little kid, watch out for pervy vampires.
#5 Werewolf Immortality: You're a werewolf. Someone bit you.
Pros: You might get some super strength. You'll probably have better than average senses most of the time. If you're really lucky, you might be able to control your change into a super-wolf, but the chances are you'll just be a normal person almost all the time. On the other hand, you can only be truly harmed by silver bullets, and Ted Nugent is the only guy who walks around with a weapon loaded up with silver ammunition these days. So just avoid him and you should be good to go.
Cons: Three nights a week you're probably going to turn into a mindless killing machine, and the more you go around killing people the better the chances are someone is going to figure out what you are and either call Ted Nugent or get some silver bullets of their own. You're also an allegory for either homosexuality or STDs, so that might cause you to have some sexuality or self-esteem issues.
#6 Undead Immortality: Lich, Frankenstein's Monster, Zombie, Deadite, whatever. The point is you died and now you're back, only you're not exactly alive anymore. If you're lucky you're a super-powerful wizard or a re-animated super corpse. If you're not lucky you're a mindless zombie.
Pros: Finally an excuse to eat brains! If you're a Lich you might have some magic powers. If you're Frankenstein's Monster you're pretty strong. If you're a Deadite then you're really talented at slapstick.
Cons: Let's face it: someone is going to hack you to pieces, unless you're a lich in which case you'll probably avoid that fate, but you're going to have to deal with people constantly claiming you stole your whole "place your soul in a container outside your body" thing from Voldemort, which is going to get really annoying after a while. You also look like a skeleton wearing a crown, and that's just goofy.
#7 Robot Immortality: Upload your mind into the body of a robot! Maybe you get a full brain transplant or maybe you just scan and copy your mind over, but one way or the other your body is now fully robotic. Regular maintenance and upgrades means you have the potential to exist for as long as you can keep up repairs.
Pros: Process information with the speed of a computer. Super strength. Virtual indestructability depending on what you're made from. Perfect memory and recall.
Cons: Will forever be haunted by the question "What is this emotion you call love?" (Also you can have your head exploded by any logical paradox, which is bad for you because Theseus's Paradox applies in this situation also, and the chances are you'll try to think about it at some point. Kaboom.)
#8 Demigod/god/angel/alien/mythical legend Immortality: You're secretly the son, daughter, or abstract offspring of a powerful mystical being. Maybe it's some pagan god. Maybe it's an Esper. Maybe it's Kryptonians. Whatever the case, you have awesome powers, a legendary legacy to inherit, and probably some great destiny to fulfill.
Pros: Superpowers! Also you likely don't have to worry about missing out on the possibility of an afterlife because you can just go pop down to the Underworld or poke your head into Heaven any time you want and check things out. Life just got a whole lot mysticler!
Cons: You might be the last of your kind. If you're a demigod then you're almost certainly going to have to confront the concept of incest at some point. If you're an alien or magical creature then you're probably so different from everyone else you know that you'll never be ablet o actually live with them. Expect loneliness. If you're not a god or demigod, then you may wind up living to the end of the universe and then you're right back at #1.
#9 Reincarnation Immortality: You died. Then you were born. Then you died. Then you were born. Repeat forever, only with each repetition you remember a little more about your former life. Eventually you can start tapping into your old lives, but not until you reach a certain age. You might even meet your soul mate again and again and again.
Pros: Wouldn't it be nice to live your life over knowing what you know now? Wouldn't it be nice to be sixteen and know how to build rocket engines like you do now? Life will never get boring because each new existence will have its own set of circumstances.
Cons: Insanity. Eventually there will be so many past lives that when you reach the age of enlightenment your whole brain will just shut down trying to process it. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder does not begin to describe just how truly fucked up you will be.
#10 Healing Factor Immortality: You were born different. You heal remarkably quickly. You don't get sick. You can't be poisoned. You reached your peak age of healthiness and stopped right there. You're not invincible, but you heal very quickly. It would take a nuclear blast, a beheading, or near total annihilation in order for you to be killed.
Pros: You might get some enhanced senses out of the deal, and your blood may be capable of causing others to heal rapidly for a short time.
Cons: Ostracism when others find out what you are. You can't get drunk, high, or even just a little bit tipsy. BigConspiracy will hunt you down and attempt to slice you open to find out what makes you the way you are, and they may attempt to turn you into their own personal killing machine.
#11 Nanite Immortality: Combine numbers 3 and 7 and mix in a little 10. Nanites rebuild your body and maintain total and perfect health at all times. They may provide you with enhancements, powers, and alterations.
Pros: Possible superpowers, the ability to interface with machines, and a healing factor.
Cons: Whoever controls your nanites, controls you. One dedicated hacker introduces his own nanite strain into the air and suddenly you're a slave for the rest of time.
#12 Mind-Hopper Immortality: You were going to die, but instead you were all, "Man, funk dat!" and transferred your mind into someone else's body. Your incredible mental powers have allowed you to continue hopping from body to body throughout the ages.
Pros: You're a supervillain. You have mental powers that allow you to take over other people's bodies. Find the right body and whatever they can do, you can do.
Cons: You're a supervillain. You won't get away with this! Also, there's a possibility that your own reincarnated body will come around and defeat you someday, but that's really because the Wave Existence was manipulating things from behind the scenes and some other crazy nanite guy wanted to create and kill God.
#13 In Memoriam Immortality: You'll die, but you'll be remembered. Maybe you created a great work of art. Maybe you solved a great mystery of the universe. Maybe you saved a billion lives, created the perfect government, or wrote the greatest song ever. On the other hand, maybe you killed a billion people, created the most oppressive regime ever, or wrote "Crank That" The point is, you will be remembered for something great or something awful.
Pros: Hey, maybe you did something great!
Cons: You fuck. You might be Soulja Boy.
Write In Immortalities
#14 Energy Being Immortality:: You've ascended, transformed, evolved, reached enlightenment, or somehow or another left your physical body behind. Now you are more than human; more than mortal. You are an energy being. You can float around the cosmos and, I dunno...do stuff.
Pros: You know things that no mortal could ever know. You can do things no mortal can ever do. The answers to questions long asked by humanity may be yours to discover.
Cons: You're a bag of energy. Say goodbye to sex. In a few thousand years you'll probably forget you were ever human, and there's a serious chance you might get trapped in some spatial anomaly somewhere and go crazy, thus becoming a sea-monster analog for spacefarers.
So there you have it. Choose your immortality! Which is the unlimited life for you, and why? Have I forgotten any? Are you immortal already and wish to tell us all how great and/or horrible it is? Get to it! |
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